been a minute since i last wrote anything for my blog...as the title implies, a lot's been changing in my life over the last little while. still got big changes coming in the near future, too!

top surgery

you've likely heard about my recent gender-affirming top surgery if you've lurked on my social media accounts within the last few months; i officially had surgery on dec 3rd, and have been taking an extended break from my commission work while i recover.

so far, all's gone well! i've been faring far better than i expected to, though i suppose i didn't have any frame of reference prior to the procedure to base that off of - this was my first major surgery! first day coming out of anesthesia was extremely rough, but with plenty of rest and help from my wonderful partner, every day after has been an improvement from the previous. as of writing this, it's been 4 weeks since the surgery, and other than my inability to reach over my head or lay down in any other position than on my back, i feel pretty normal.

of course you probably didn't start reading this just to hear me yap about how i've healed up! don't worry, i've got feelings to share about my new appearance, too!

from an outsider's point of view, i've probably come off as pretty neutral about it so far! i haven't been particularly emotional about it, to be honest...my reaction when they unwrapped the bandages for the first time at my 1 week follow up was to look down and just go "oh, nice." X'3

it's more been the little details for me, though. i realized somewhere during the second week that my shirts all fit right now, and it brought me a sense of relief, and looking at myself in a mirror feels so much more normal than before (or about as normal as being a creature stuck in human form *can* feel...i don't suppose they'd have surgeries that can fix that for me ^^")

honestly, i think i prefer this mundane, quiet joy it's brought me.

grad school & Canada

i’ve spent a lot of time contemplating what’s ahead for several months, moreso than usual – in a way, i’m always agonizing over the future due to general anxiety. i’ve got lists of things to do in the coming days, weeks, or months, projects to start, projects to finish…it truly never feels like it ends. it gets overwhelming at times, and i’ve got plenty of days where i want to hole up and shut out the rest of the world for a bit.

the “overwhelm” part of this is a conversation for another day, though. right now, i’m looking straight ahead at what comes next.

i’d hoped to start my career in ecology here in the PNW by now, but as i’ve learned over the last 2 years, getting my foot in the door with just my bachelor’s degree has proven difficult, if not impossible – i’ve had 2 interviews in all over these 2 years, one of which wasn’t even related to my degree. it’s no secret that the field of conservation and ecology isn’t a profitable one, at times very much the opposite, and paid positions are limited.

i can’t afford to volunteer my way into a paying job while balancing work as a freelance artist, so the next option i’m gunning for is going back to school. that’s right, this cryptid is going right back to college for their master’s!

“didn’t you *hate* college, Tux?” you might be asking. yeah, i kinda did!

i mean, there was a lot i loved about it, too – i love attending classes for niche topics i’m interested in, and working towards something outside of just myself and my art. it’s also just satisfying to have that specialized knowledge and training in a field that i’m passionate about!

my unmedicated ADHD made my undergrad a living hell, especially where completing assignments and taking exams was concerned – on the other paw, i excelled at lab work, writing papers, and research. i’ve got my meds now, and they work great, which has me hopeful that working on a master’s thesis wouldn’t be anywhere near as painful.

there’s another side to this decision, though – i’m applying for universities up in Canada as a pathway to be with my partner, Finch. if i manage to get accepted this application round, i'll be making that move summer 2026!

i didn't anticipate moving away from Portland so soon; in the two and a half years i've lived here, i've grown extremely fond of this quirky city and the surrounding nature! alas, with the way things are headed economically and politically in the US, coupled with my inability to find work, i've been searching for greener pastures elsewhere. also, no way i'm making my partner make the move from Canada to the US with all that happening.

it's gonna be tough uprooting myself completely again, but i think it'll be for the best. i can't say that living paycheck to paycheck has been great for me, and i'm tired of just surviving life.

final thoughts

i spent a lot of this year building up towards my top surgery, and now that that's done, i find myself in a bit of a void between what's happened and what's to come - a bit of respite from my usual busy life. resting and taking things slow has been good for me, and i'm hoping i'll be able to return to work next month feeling reinvigorated and a bit less burned out than before.

big changes are scary, but i'm feeling optimistic about the future, even if i don't know anything with full certainty just yet...here's hoping that it leads me somewhere good!

until next time!